By Gabriel Valladares, grade 7
Tilden Preparatory School – Walnut Creek
The Legend of Zelda is a great franchise. And there’s nothing better than taking on cool, clever, or just straight up powerful bosses. So here I’m going to be counting down my personal top ten Zelda bosses.
10. The Helmasaur King
It’s no surprise that A Link To The Past liked big bosses. But the greatest is definitely The Helmasaur King. I mean, dude’s almost as big as the room you fight him in. Imagine a giant horned lizard with Ridley’s tail and an iron mask, and you pretty much got the same thing. Sort of. Smashing his one defence to bits and piercing his skull with arrows can only be made more satisfying by one thing. Watching him explode to bits from the tail up. A Link To The Past, you don’t disappoint.
The fantasy genre just loves itself some giant spiders, and Zelda is no exception. Gohma is just about a tradition as boomerangs and bombs and though she’s had more than one appearance, none top your encounter with her in Ocarina of Time. It’s a dark room. You can’t figure out what to do, so you look for clues. And for heaven’s sake is that rustling noise coming from like the ceiling or someth- OH DEAR GOD IT’S MATH. This boss set the standard for Zelda bosses. And it was awesome.
8. Uncle Rupee
Tingle is fighting money, with money, that the money shooting money gave him, while on the moon. I was so close to not even putting this one on the list because I couldn’t decide if this was one of the greatest or worst things to happen to the series. It’s definitely one of the greatest.
Four Swords Adventures was pretty expensive, because you needed four controllers in order to play. But for those who saw it through to the end, Vaati is no disappointment. The fight starts off by throwing bombs into his swirling cyclone of DEATH. But the most satisfying part is shooting yourself out of a cannon and using your downward momentum to drive your sword straight into his eyeball. HECK YEAH!
Even as one of my favorite games ever to be made, I have to admit, Majora’s Mask is so weird. Like “giant tiki man” weird or “turtle with palm trees on it’s shell” weird. Oh hey look, one boss is a common fish. And then it just goes into “magic robot goat that shoots laser beams” weird. This boss battle is a high speed chase. By the end, ceilings are collapsing, stuff’s blowing up and you’ll probably want to go fight him all over again. Plus, defeating him turns winter into bright and cheerful springtime, a welcome ray of happiness in the dark world of Termina. Thank you robot laser goat.
5. Ganondorf from Wind Waker
Final bosses don’t always have to be the most difficult to be the best. You wouldn’t normally take this kind of route for a final boss, but in Wind Waker, hey, they did. As you once again face the great king of evil, the weight of the great sea feels like it’ll collapse on you at any moment. You also have this nifty little tag team with Zelda, who will open him up for attack by shooting him in the back with Light Arrows. Oh, and you do kind of drive a legendary sword forged by the goddesses straight into his skull so deep you probably punctured a lung. And uh, that’s always good.
4. Dark Link
The whole “evil doppelganger” thing may be more than a little bit overused, but then again, not every doppelganger mimics a master of swords, bombs, bows and arrows, boomerangs, and hammers. The is probably the only part of the Water Temple that everyone can agree, was worth looking forward to. Even though he’s just a mini-boss, he manages to be more memorable than the real bosses. Except for the next three!
I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what you think of any other aspect of Skyward Sword, but the golden robot George Washington, Koloktos is flipping AMAZING. Two boomerang blades. Six arms that you can rip right off his body. And get this, he actually has enough sense to keep his dang weak spot covered! But halfway through, Koloktos says “You know what? Screw this.” The fight reaches its best when you can pick up his own weapon and ABSOLUTELY MUTILATE HIM. MOST. SATISFYING. THING. EVER!
2. Twilit Fossil Stallord
Normally nobody pays attention to the little description each boss gets, but if any of them deserve to be called by their full name, it’s Twilit Fossil Stallord. Playing pinball with his spine was fun enough on its own, but it’s his phase two that dropped all the jaws. Jumping from rail to rail, dodging fireballs and going in for the kill with your sword?! If only we got to experience this awesomeness for longer.
It’s almost time for number one but first, let’s recap 10-2. Ten, the Helmasaur King; nine, Gohma; eight, MONEY; seven, Vaati; six, robot laser goat; five, Ganondorf from Wind Waker; four, Dark Link; three, Koloktos; and two, Twilit Fossil Stallord. Without further ado, let’s introduce number one.
As I said before, final bosses don’t always have to be the most difficult to be the best. But it’s that feeling of determination, knowing that this is the moment you’ve spent the entire game working towards. Oh yeah, Ganon’s on this list twice. But is the boss fight the all out war from Twilight Princess? Or maybe the classic sword duel in Skyward Sword that started the events of the series? Or how about the very first one that made Zelda such a huge hit? Nuh-uh. It’s something even better than that.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t logically, mortally justify bumping Ocarina of Time’s climax down even to number two! Who could forget ascending to the top of Ganon’s tower, fighting his strongest minions, and hearing his organ music growing eerily louder and louder. You step through that massive door and read that classic line. “These toys are too much for you! I command you to-” play me in a game of tennis! This fight is everything a boss fight should be. You bring the great king of evil to his knees using weapons previously acquired in the game, plus your new Light Arrows, only to go through an escape sequence IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATTLE. And then you confront his second form, Ganon. This was probably the scariest part of the game. You couldn’t even tell what he actually looked like because it was so dark. All you could see were eyes, horns, swords, and big…ness. But that just makes it all the more satisfying when you drive your sword right between his eyes.
So yeah! Those are my top ten Zelda bosses! It’s just too bad that not all of Zelda’s bosses can be half as epic as this. (Next top ten. Hint hint.)